Toetally

I think that if scientists want to find a truly indestructible substance they should delve further into examining just what the hell toes are made of. Supposedly the things are made out of cells and bones and squishy pink stuff like the rest of your body, but I say Nay. Terrible stuff happens to my toes all the time, and they're fine. On average I stub my toes on something about eleventy-hundred times a day, and every so often I'll mash one so super hard that I'll be positive that I've broken it, yet five minutes later it won't even hurt any more. I'll actually hear the bone click, and the skin will turn all purple and nasty, and then it'll just regenerate like a tiny Wolverine with glitter nail polish on his face.

This has to be an unrealized byproduct of human evolution, if not witchcraft.

I'm not even exaggerating how often I stub my toes; I stub my toes all day, every day, on everything. I stub my toes on furniture, walls, stairs, and sometimes I stub my toes on nothing at all. I'll be walking down a hallway with no furniture whatsoever, and suddenly I'll get a distinct feeling of toe-smashedness and have no idea just what my foot just collided with because there was nothing there. I will then be forced to conclude that I have been attacked by a very small ghost with an invisible ghost hammer.

I even stub my toes on living things, like my pets or other people. Strangely, when these collisions occur the object of the stubbing feels no pain or discomfort no matter how hard I've wanged my foot into their body, and I will be near-crippled with pain.

Yet, no matter how hard I bash my toe into something and no matter how excruciating the pain, there will be no lasting damage to the appendage. Ergo, I have Super Toes.

Oh, ye Gods. Is that really my mutant superpower? Indestructible toes? In what way could that possibly be useful in the fight against injustice, intolerance, and men with fancy telepathy-blocking helmets? I'd be as useless as Aquaman--no, as useless as Antman. That fool rides ants into battle and he would still be more valuable than me in a fight. What would my costume even look like? I picture a toga...just because it has the 'toe' sound in it.

I just spent several minutes of my incredibly finite life writing a blog entry about the X-Men and stubbing my toes.

The things I do for you people.